The 5 Love Languages for Men – 笔记

Then there was the guy who, for his one-year anniversary with his girlfriend, printed the story of how they fell in love on a bunch of flyers and posted them all over New York City. He asked people to take pictures of the flyers and post them on Instagram or Twitter, along with a certain hashtag. The whole thing went viral in a matter of hours. The couple received over a thousand photos, including some tweeted by celebrities such as Matt Lauer.

Learn it!

The challenge of becoming fluent in another love language might be better compared to perfecting a golf swing. If you’ve ever taken lessons from a pro, you know the first step is to “unlearn” all the bad habits you’ve developed over the years. In many cases, that involves starting from scratch. The process is awkward at first. Things just don’t feel right. They feel unnatural. Little by little, though, that starts to change. With enough repetition, you start to see positive results.

the right words, spoken at the right time by the right person, can inspire people to do the unlikely, the improbable, and in some cases, the near impossible.

For someone whose primary manner of receiving love is words of affirmation, compliments and encouragement aren’t just nice gestures or polite conversational techniques. They’re nourishment.

Flattery is the language of manipulation. Flattery has an agenda. Its ultimate aim is to get something from the person being flattered—or to cast the flatterer in a positive light.

Flattery lacks the key ingredient of meaningful affirmation: sincerity. If your words are going to make a difference in your wife’s life, you have to believe what you say.

•  “It wasn’t the worst meal I’ve ever had.” •  “At least you get points for trying.” •  “Not bad—for a thirty-five-year-old.” Such thoughtless, backhanded compliments can do more damage than you might imagine—and cause more pain than your wife might acknowledge.

In order to develop that appreciation, you have to watch her. In stealth mode, pay attention to the things she does, the things she says, the way she interacts with other people, the thankless jobs she tackles, and the ways she makes life better for you and others.

Your wife likely has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.

Encouragement requires empathy—seeing the world from your wife’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our wives. Only then can we give encouragement.

Speaking kindly to your wife means making sure your words and tone align.

Snarling, “I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight”—in a tone dripping with sarcasm—will not be received as an expression of love, no matter how clean you get the pans. On the other hand, saying something as pointed as, “I felt disappointed and hurt that you didn’t offer to help me this evening”—in an honest, kind manner—can be an expression of love.

When your wife is angry, upset, and lashing out with provocative words, try responding with a soft, calm voice. Take in everything she has to say about her emotions and feelings. Let her tell you of her hurt, anger, and perception of events. Work hard to put yourself in her shoes and see the situation through her eyes. Express softly and kindly your understanding of why she feels that way. If you’ve wronged her, be willing to confess the wrong and ask for forgiveness. If your motivation is different from what she’s reading, explain your real motivation kindly. Your goal must be to achieve understanding and reconciliation, not to prove your own correctness or superiority.

If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I’m making myself the judge and treating her as the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.

A request creates the possibility for an expression of love; a demand suffocates that possibility.

Patrick wasn’t focusing on listening but on speaking. He listened only long enough to hear the problem and formulate a solution. He didn’t listen long enough or well enough to hear her cry for support and understanding.

We’re trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We lose sight of the fact that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We may give advice—but only when it’s requested and never in a condescending manner.

Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my wife experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you’re feeling disappointed because I forgot .” That gives her the chance to clarify her feelings. It also communicates that you’re listening intently to what she’s saying.

You have to think of someone before you give her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What’s important is that you thought of her—that you took the time to consider what would make her happy and then followed through

generally speaking, a gift’s impact has nothing to do with its cost or worth.

the cost of the gift will matter to her only if it’s greatly out of line with what you can afford—or what you spend on yourself or others.

In fact, we can break down the fluency strategy into three easy-to-remember parts: Impact Initiative Attitude If any one of these elements is missing or off-kilter, your attempts to communicate love to your wife through acts of service will be thwarted.

When it comes to acts of service, you’re not judged by the amount of time you put in or even by how hard you work. You’re judged by your effectiveness—the impact you have.

Love is always freely given. It can’t be demanded, cajoled, or coaxed from someone. That’s why it’s vital that you take the initiative in completing an act of service on your wife’s list as soon as you possibly can. In doing so, you demonstrate your future intentions and give her a sense of just how important her emotional well-being is to you.

The key to initiating acts of service is to make it a “3-D experience” with Drive, Discipline, and Dedication.

the right thing done with the wrong attitude can actually cause more harm than good.

The thought process of such a person goes like this: Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally.

And so it goes for the wife who speaks physical touch as a primary love language. When that touch isn’t forthcoming, she takes it personally. She may lose self-esteem. She may worry about the state of her friendships and relationships. She may feel lonely, even when she’s surrounded by friends and loved ones.

The fact that a certain kind of touch brings pleasure to you doesn’t mean it will—or should—bring pleasure to your wife.

The purpose of becoming fluent in the language of physical touch is not to get your own desires met but to make your wife feel genuinely loved and cared for. If she senses that your efforts at physical touch are merely preludes to sex—ways to “get her in the mood”—she may start to resent them. And in the process, you’ll lose some credibility.

The best way to rediscover your love language is to recall your experience of falling in love and ask yourself, “What did I like about my wife in those days? What did she do or say that made me desire to be with her?” If you can conjure up those memories, you will get some idea as to your primary love language.

The in-love experience temporarily meets our emotional need for love. It gives us the feeling that someone cares, that someone admires us and appreciates us. Our emotions soar with the thought that another person sees us as the one, that she’s willing to devote time and energies exclusively to our relationship. For a brief period, however long it lasts, our emotional need for love is met. Our tank is full.

We’re talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Most of us do many things each day that don’t come “naturally” for us. For some of us, that list starts with getting out of bed in the morning. We go against our feelings and get out of bed. Why? Because we believe there’s something worthwhile to do that day. And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions precede our emotions.

Most of us want to be liked, accepted, appreciated, and respected. So when we’re criticized, we tend to respond defensively. Sarah may argue that she’s criticizing Dan’s behavior, not his person. But since our behavior is an extension of who we are, it’s difficult for most of us, including Dan, to make the distinction. Something deep within Dan said, “It’s not right for my wife to put me down.”

love and uncontrolled anger cannot coexist. Love seeks the well-being of the spouse, while uncontrolled anger seeks to hurt and destroy.

Agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment.

If you’re angry with your wife, your first impression is that her behavior is wrong. Just make sure you treat it as a first impression—and not a confirmed fact—until you hear her side of the story. It’s all too easy to misinterpret someone’s words or actions.

If actions and words are open to misunderstanding, motives are even more difficult to guess. Since motives are internal, we can never know our wife’s reason for doing something unless she tells us. Unfortunately, we often attribute motives to our wife that are totally off base.

Expressing Regret is the emotional aspect of an apology. Regret focuses on what you did (or failed to do) and how it affected the other person—in this case, your wife. To express regret to your wife is to acknowledge your own sense of guilt, shame, and pain about your behavior that has hurt her so deeply.

If your wife has been wounded deeply, she will want you to feel some of her pain. That’s not necessarily vindictiveness at work. She simply wants assurance that you know how she’s feeling. Words of genuine regret provide that assurance.

“I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse. Pure and simple, what I did was selfish and wrong.”

After being hurt deeply, we need the reassurance that the spouse who hurt us still loves us.

“How could she do that to me?” is the question that lingers in our minds. The words “I’m sorry; I was wrong” may not be enough. We want to know the answer to the question, “Do you still love me?”

I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“Will you please forgive me?” is the ingredient that convinces her that you are indeed sincere in your apology. Without the request for forgiveness, your statements such as “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,” “I’ll make it up to you,” and “I’ll never do it again” may sound like glib remarks to her.

One of the points we make in the book is that children need to learn how to receive and give love in all five languages. This produces an emotionally healthy adult. Thus, parents are encouraged to give heavy doses of the child’s primary love language, then sprinkle in the other four regularly. When children receive love in all five languages, they will eventually learn how to give love in all five languages.

I am frequently asked how to apply the five love languages in long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance.

I am frequently asked how to apply the five love languages in long-distance relationships. Physical touch and quality time are particularly challenging in these instances. The simple answer is this: you must be creative and committed to staying connected despite the distance.